20 Things You Never Knew About Cats
-A cat is actually a bunch of smaller cats working together to look like one cat. -Cats will shut down if you touch them in a certain spot behind their right ear. -Schrodinger’s cat was arrested during...
View ArticleFirst Draft of Jason Derulo’s “Want To Want Me”
(Intro music) (Derulo…) It’s so hard to sleep I, Jason Derulo, got the sheets on the floor Listen to me, I’m Jason Derulo, And I, meaning me, Jason Derulo, can’t take it no more It’s a hundred degrees...
View Article5 Fun Ideas for Those Thanksgiving Leftovers!
Happy end of the beginning of the holidays, readers! The extended family has gone home, all your cleverest strategic hiding spots for bottles of booze around the house have been depleted, and you’ve...
View ArticleRealistic New Year’s Resolutions for Reluctant Adults
1. Remember to lift your wiper blades if there’s snow in the forecast. Sometimes, you know there’s a real adult nearby just by looking at context clues. Do you see a car parked uphill with the front...
View ArticleA Manifesto for the Profoundly Uncoordinated
Some people are beautiful, symmetrical, smooth, and glowing. Some are off-putting, pocky, inexplicably lumpy, and faintly resemble a flesh-colored garbage bag full of porridge. Some are witty and...
View ArticleA Love Letter to These Fuckin’ Lil’ Weenies
My Dearest Lil’ Weenies, When I saw you at the grocery store prior to my drive up north for a nice long weekend in a warm cabin, I knew it was meant to be. There you were, near-ish the bacon and just...
View ArticleIt’s 2016. Are You Kidding Me.
It’s 2016. No, I’m not reminding you what year it is (it’s April, get that shit on lockdown). I’m saying it’s fucking 2016. This has become the mantra of the frustrated, horrified, embarrassed masses...
View ArticleI Want to Be Your 6th Grade Class President, by Donald J. Trump (age 11)
Hello, fellow sixth graders of Kew-Forest School. My name is Donald J. Trump, but you can call me Donny. I am eleven years old, I like riding my bike, pulling the legs off grasshoppers, and my pleated...
View ArticleMy PhD Defense Gift Registry
Because damnit I’ve worked for six and a half years for this friggin’ thing and I deserve some prezzies. —– – A copy of the 250 dollar academic book I desperately needed for my dissertation work but...
View ArticleCelebrating International Women’s Day Like a REAL Woman, 7 Years Later
Seven years ago, when I was but a wee baby 24 year old in the 2nd year of my PhD program, I wrote a tongue-in-cheek, fart-joke-filled post celebrating International Women’s Day. I would like to update...
View Article